Need help, please :(

[Ryan]

Please dont say woah thats too long forget it, i think im on the verge of... just please read it and help me out if you can, im desperate. For the start of this relationship refer to topic long distance and read first post

i need your serious help on this one guys, im the long distance relationship. Ok, so put yourself in my situation, its the only way you can understand where im coming from and sorry for the lengthiness. She came to see me during christmas vaca, all good and fine. Our day would go something like go out, do some stuff, come home, cuddle on the couch for 5 hours making out, all that good stuff. We did that like every day to the last day then she left and we talked on the phone every night for an hour or 2 to keep in touch.
A month and a half later, oh yeah! all excited, spent $300 for plane ticket and some simple valentines day things. get there, i get one hug the first day, we go out have some fun, all fine and dandy, but bummer, she doesnt have the same vaca, im over it, ill just wait each day for her to comehome from school. when she gets home she watches tv for a couple of hours and i dont know what to do with myself so i watch her crappy soap operas and put up with that stuff. i only get to see her for a week so i dont want the rest of the days to be like this, i want them to be more than just layin around the house. but everyday the same stuff happened, i got about one kiss and two hugs of the eight days spent there. if i tried to tickle her, look into her eyes or make any attempt to cuddle she would say dont do that, its annoying. so am i wrong to feel rejected at this point or is it because of the atmosphere change perhaps? i asked her if we were still ok, if she still loved me and she replied "Of course i do!" and so i then asked if there was something wrong then and she replied "no im ok" so why was i rejected then? am i wrong for wanting some sort of physical contact when her parents arent home? i justed wanted to kiss her so many times, but she was never in the mood or she was too tired. so i started to write all of my thoughts about this stuff on paper and when i left i decided to give it to her. all of the stuff basically said i dont know why shes rejecting me and why couldnt she suck it up for this one week that i was here, who cares if your tired, i was too. was i wrong or did this seem like a problem? now she said she is going to break up with me because im not grown up enough and i dont understand, she told me that she didnt intend to do any of this to me the whole week and that i overthought things, idk, did i?. shes only 3 months older than me, cmon, im 17 and feel like im missing something now. maybe i havent grown up yet, im going to call her tomorrow and see what the final verdict is. i told her my medicine was bugging me, which is the truth! i have this add medication which i am now stopping due to major mood swings and i think that contributed to my sadness while i was there and why these thoughts came into my head. can you tell me, was i wrong? do i need to grow up? and what can i say to her that would make her change her mind about me, damn medication was the reason for all this, i know it was, there is no explination whay i should have been that sad and i only hope i can explain this to her. suggestions?

Edit: I dont have a problem with commitment ( i just read that post, all 4 pages) because when i think about it long enough i would like to spend the rest of my life with this girl. Maybe she changed and i just cant accept it for some reason, if thats the case then i will suck it up and let her change, i love her so much that i dont want to see her like that, she looked so miserable and didnt want cheering up or to be cuddle with me, what was i supposed to think, maybe she wasnt in the mood bt i only get to see her for a week, cmon. And no we havent had sex, we were saving that for a lot later, call me stupid, but its not about sex its about the precious time you spend wih her and the caring and sticking together through thick and thin, and if she cant stick with me through this i might tink she isnt ready for commitment, even though she said she was.

[TakMusashi]

Woah woah woah!! Hang on a sec there before you go beating yourself into the ground over your meds and thinking that there absolutely must be something wrong with you. I've had the ermm "joy" I guess you'd call it.. of a 2 year long distance relationship (I'm from Minnesota, and she's down in Florida) from the age of around 16-18 (I'm now almost 19). She came and visited me over our first christmas break together (she paid for the plane ticket, and hotel costs cause her mom came along too and they stayed somewhere other than my house. Then the next winter break, I did the same except down to see her. My relationship ended last summer...and I'll get to that if it becomes relivant.

I just want to lay it out for you right now that I've been through a similar situation, but right now I am on some meds that do cause mood swings, depression, all that garbage (accutane.. if you've heard of it, maybe the same thing you're on, maybe not). Currently I'm in a relationship with a girl that lives 40 mins from campus (10 mins from my house), and she understands that it can cause me to be extra sad sometimes.

Aaanywho, getting to the real meat of your question. I don't think you're wrong at all for wanting to kiss her, hug her, cuddle, etc. In fact, I'd be very concerned if you told me otherwise. It seems to me like perhaps she's not as interested in persuing the relationship with you as she once was. Maybe she's thought about things and realized that either a long distance relationship isn't what she's looking for, or that maybe you're not the person she really truely wants to spend her life waiting for. (I know how this can go, because I asked myself the same questions as my relationship neared its end). You sound like you're plenty grown up for your age, and someone who's got his head screwed on right. However, I'm not sure there's anything you can really say to her that would make her change her mind. With relationships, both people have to feel for the other, it shouldn't require you to do some convincing. The convincing should shine through your desire to make her smile, laugh, and feel good. It sounds like you've been doing a good job with that, and she's just not responding how you're hoping she would. Now let me tell you that the end of your relationship with her would be no where near the end of the world. Each of my relationships in my life (yeah.. ermm all 3 of them, but still) have been progressively better than the last. We live and we learn, we grow and we understand ourselves better through our experiences. If things do end up going sour between you and her, keep your head up and go get involved in some activities at school or your community. Sooner or later you're gonna run across someone that'll catch your eye, or someone else out there will catch you.. so no worries!

Incase I left you hanging before about the end of my distance relationship...I was headed off to college, she said she'd come to school up here, but I told her I couldn't promise her anything. I explained that my priorities were in this order: myself (includes school, and persuit of personal interests), my family, then her. She couldn't grasp that I'd have things in my life that would be more important with her, and after talking about it for hours on the phone (I tried to explain myself in as many different ways as I could think of) we mutually agreed that we'd end things. Shortly thereafter (maybe a month or so) I found my current girlfriend while on a trip with my Venture Crew. One of her friends was in the crew too who invited her on our whitewater raft trip out to montana, and from there our relationship was born.

If you'd like to talk more after reading this, go ahead and add TakMusashi to your AIM buddy list. I'm on a lot and don't mind talking about this sorta stuff. ^_^ Hope I helped!

[Ryan]

i was hoping i would recieve a reply from you, you are very good with words. One night i went to the movies with her and it was a real funny movie, euro trip i suggest you see it, anyway, she was laughing the entire time and it was practically the only time i saw her happy while i was there. when i looked over at her and saw her laughing i got the best feeling in the world out of it. it seems like she has theses real bad moods sometimes she is overly happy and that is when she is most affectionate, other times she just wants to be left alone and if i try to please her i make her mad because im annoying her and acting childish when in fact im on vacation and want to have some fun, i mean sure i may go a little over the edge sometimes, but it isnt that far, everyone else enjoys me making fun, but idk. everything else between us is perfect and the last thing i thought would happen would be her not being able to let loose, have some fun, and if she really loved me she would want to kiss me, not for it to be a chore to her as it seems, i mean dont get me wrong, sometimes shes awesome and is just the funnest most affectionate person in the world and other times she is in that bad mood again, (this mood occurs a lot more often then the good mood btw). we had such a good thing that i feel horrible to throw it away over something so stupid, a misunderstanding perhaps? ill see how it goes tomorrow when i call her and if she cant stick with me through my hard time then maybe shes not worth my time. Thanks a lot for your help, i love it when a lot of things get cleared up for me, i may be able to sleep tonite after all.

Edit: ill tell you how things go tomorrow over AIM, Add me to your blist as well if you like, RyanMcDizzle

[Serena20986]

Is she, by chance, bipolar? The way her moods seem to change, it sounds like she might be. Is she on medication as well? I've just known a few people who were bipolar. There was this couple at my high school where the girl was bipolar and their relationship would be great for a few days and then the girl would become mean all of a sudden. She would always accuse her guy of cheating and say he was looking at all these other girls. Or she would flip out over something really not worth flipping out over. And then the next day she would be fine again and they would go on with their relationship. They were off and on all the time though. I don't know. Just the way you explained her emotions and how she changes so fast, it sounds like she may have that.
On another note, I think I agree with you. There isn't anything wrong with you wanting to be affectionate with her. Especially if you only had one week to be together. From a girl's point of view, If I could only see my guy for a week, I would probably spend all the time I could with him. Cuddling, watching movies, even just sitting on the couch and talking. If that was the case. But you're right, I think she should want to kiss you. Maybe you do just need to talk to her about things. Let your feelings be known and see what hers are in return. Let me know how the phone call goes...

[Ryan]

i dont think i have ever been nervous about anything in my life before but this phone call has me scared straight. when i talked to her over aim she told me after reading my "notes" what i wrote that swayed her decision, a lot of my true feelings of how she treated me were there, and some of it was blind medicated rage, but it wasnt really mean because im a real nice guy, not to be conceded or anything but i take everyones side with everything give everyone 10 chances and put up with the things i dont like and never fight with anyone unless i see something that is unjust and this just seemed to be. i told her, please don't, maybe we could talk about it, and she said for tnow the dump is for good but she might change her mind. she hasnt heard my entire side of the story yet, its real hard to keep in touch long distance. so if she still says its not going to work after she hears my side and how i feel about us then poo on her because i think i know at least the basics of a fun healthy relationship, as a girl what would you say to me if i thought i was having problems and i thought you didnt like me and kept pushing me away for no just reason? im not sure if she is bipolar, that thought had come to mind. she is not diagnosed with it my knowledge anyway. my other theory is that she is hapy whenever she is away from home, the movies, out to a hotel, amusement parks, these are the times i saw her happy side, the side i love with all my being and would die for.

[Serena20986]

Well, I'm not you. So I don't know the whole entire story of what is going on. But the way she's acting, I don't know. She just seems like she's pushing away. But on the whole having problems thing...from my point of view, if you were having problems and you said something you guys should talk about it. But you should state your mind. Let her know how you feel. And normally....if you talk about it, it should work itself out. But I don't know. I guess it depends on how she feels as well. Maybe she thinks its just too hard to have a long distance relationship and maybe she can't take it anymore. You have to let her tell how she feels and her side of things, but you also have to make sure she knows how you feel and what your side is. Don't just let her go without a fight if you care about her as much as it sounds like you do. Maybe with the whole being away from home thing. Maybe you should take her to one of those places to talk to her about things. Take her to an amusment park and walk around and talk for a while. Maybe it would be easier for her and you that way. That is if you're going to see her any time soon.

[Ryan]

do you think i should tell her to read this forum to better understand me? If yes someone delete this post and the reply after i read it if you would, so whaddya think? im kinda thinkin the phone call is better cause she would probably get mad for privacy reasons.

[TakMusashi]

I'd reccomend that you just call her so she can hear what you have to say. Things said by voice are a lot more powerful and personal than something read in a note or posts on a forum.

[Ryan]

ok, after much thought i have finally decided how im going to start my conversation, it only took me twelve hours... ya thats a long time, it basically goes down like this:

I just want to hear your feelings, all of them, from the bottom of your heart and i will spill everything i feel as well, i want to get through this with you and instead of making it a life lesson where our relationship ends, make it one where we start anew and have more open conversations to things we may have problems with and if we are simply not compatable then we should agree to disagree and move our seperate ways... oprah scene, jerry springer action etc.

What do you think?

[TakMusashi]

I wouldn't script what you're going to say too much, just let it spill how it does. Plus she may not react how you'd planned, so just go with the flow and adjust accordingly ^_^. No worries man, just get your feelings heard, let her do what ever she's gonna do.

[Ryan]

hehe, yeah, i guess what im basically trying to say is ive changed my approach a little, im just overthinking it, dont mind me. i know im going to get on the phone and its going to be nothing like i planned, i guess im just reassuring myself that things will be ok when in fact they might not be. I will spill my guts with confidence and if she dont like it, oh well. I wish i could call her now but my cell doesnt get free long distance until 9, bleh!

[Beth]

I think that you are wicked cool even if you're gf in florida doesn't. you have plenty of friends here in coventry, so forget about her

[Ryan]

haha, beth, thats my friend from school, everyone keeps asking whats wrong so i send them to this site cause it takes me a half an hour to explain it, thanks beth, i think your cool too

[Serena20986]

I think I agree with Tak on this one yet again. It may seem easier to script out what you're gonna say, believe me, I've been there. But I think it will mean more if you just tell her what's in your heart and really listen to her and really tell her your feelings as they come. I think it will be easier that way and I think things might go more smoothly. Tak's right. No worries. Things will go how they go. You just can't let her go without a fight. Really tell her how you're feeling, but don't forget to be mindful about how she's feeling as well.

[Serena20986]

Oh, and on the whole forum thing. I think Tak's right about that too. Just tell her how you feel. She might get embarrased that people she doesn't even know are talking about her problems on the internet. I don't know if she would...but ya know, just to be safe.