Do guys have commitment issues?

[TimmyTime]

I am quite the opposite. I have a problem not being commited.... So no, I have never had a problem with a girl wanting a commitment, only when a girl is scared like most guys are.

[Xojid]

I think a lot of why men are afraid of commitment stems from divorce. I heard one time that 'if marriage is slavery for women, then divorce is slavery for men.' You have child support, custody issues, rampant emotions . . . The list goes on.

Plus, with half the people who do get married divorcing, I believe it has generated a 'disposable society' mentality. Forty or fifty years ago, such a thing was unheard of.

As far as myself being committed, I have no trouble staying committed to being single. Or partially insane.

[Peter]

Imho guys sure have commitment issues...some say
it is genetic...but there is sure also a social
factor...in western societies women are "trained"
better in commitment...a guy that never had to
care much for anyone then himself, unlike the
average girl...can not be expected to be too
great in this field from the start...there must
be some need for commitment in a positive sense
first...some have it early in life...but that
is probably not the majority...at least not when
speaking about more then 1-2 years...

[Tulatin]

I'm basically thinking the same thing as Xojid here - it's not fear of commitment, it's what happens when that commitment goes down in flames, and the aftermath. As for myself, i can honestly say that if the time and person is right, in our minds, then there would be nothing to fear, and no reason to leave for commitment fears. Besides, would you rather have a two year relationship, or 8 six month ones? I'd prefer the two year one, mainly because you'd get to know that person well enough thatt they'd become a part of you so to speak.

One q @ you wish (you can answer by pm if you wish) - why the name "your wish is granted?"

[EvLwMn]

Yes - men have trouble with commitment - at least most of them do.

Men - and I'm speaking totally in a general sense here - fail to understand the concept of growth. I don't mean physical growth - I'm talking about personal growth, growth in a relationship, etc. Things change, people change. Many of the problems I have seen in the past with relationships is that the man in the relationship thinks the woman should stay exactly the same as she was when they met or married or whatever. It doesn't work that way - people all grow as individuals. People change both physically and mentally. And when you grow as a person you change as a person.

That translates into the committed relationship too. Men get into a relationship and get comfortable - so when the subject of taking the next logical step in the relationship comes up he's like "why change it - every thing is fine the way it is now". Women can see the relationship changing and the people in it changing as well and therefore can see that the next step should be taken. There comes a time when you need to take the next step or just hang it up and let it go - men have trouble seeing when that time has come and they don't understand why they need to take the next step at all.

So I think growth, or the failure to recognize growth, is one of the reasons men are shy about commitment. They seem to fail to see why it's necessary.

But I also agree that our disposable society has a lot to do with it as well.

[TakMusashi]

Questions like these are very difficult to answer exactly, as they pertain primarily to the individual. Categorizing men and women as a whole can be very misleading. Just something we should always keep in mind ^_^. As far as answering the question at hand from my personal experiences...

My first relationship I had no idea what was going on, what I should do, how I wanted things to go, and the same was the case for her. Neither of us had anything to compare it against. How were we supposed to know whether it was going well, not going well etc? My friend is currently having a problem like this with his relationship =/.

My second relationship was online (and I would strongly caution anyone that tries this, and am more than willing to extrapolate and share the reasons if anyone's interested. I let myself persue it for a couple years (from age 16-18) till it came to the point where she offered to move by me and go to the same college. I wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment to her. At this stage in my life I wasn't ready to promise anything, and I'd feel incredibly guilty if she came here and we broke up shortly there after. College is a time to persue your personal interests and grow as a person. In doing so, you can better understand yourself and be better suited to help others.

Shortly after I ended that one, I started another with a girl that lived 10mins away, and am still in it. Both of us have similiar priorities which is making a world of a difference (as my second couldn't comprehend that I would put my academics, my family, and personal persuits/growth before her). I'm in college now, and she's finishing up her senior year back at the highschool, but I get to come home on wednesdays and weekends to spend time with her. The rest of the time we're working hard on our academics, and extra curriculars. We're taking things as they come, enjoying the moments together, and making the most out of what we have available to us. It seems to be working very well for the both of us ^_^.

To make a long story short, and I think I can speak for a large number of guys, we get freaked out when a girlfriend starts talking about marriage 1-2 years into a relationship (esp at age 18). Also, when we are unsure of our future and are asked for increased commitment. We don't want to promise what we may not be able to deliver. My second told me I had to make a leap of faith and trust my heart, but I didn't feel that it was a practical thing to do.

If anyone has any comments, or feels differently, by all means post!

[EvLwMn]

I partially agree with you Tak. The reason I agree with you is because of your age. When you are 18 or in your early 20's you SHOULDN'T be worrying about committing to any one person. You should be worrying about making your way in life. The committed relationship can wait - there's plenty of time to think about that after you have an education, career and some larger material things out of the way (like a house/apartment, decent car purchase, student loans paid off, etc.)

But I must say - if you don't know for sure 1 - 2 years into a relationship then that's not the girl/guy for you. By then there should be no doubt in your mind how you feel about the other person and what course you want the relationship to take and if you don't you need to go your separate ways and stop wasting each other's time. I have to tell you - guys get freaked out when a woman starts talking about marriage at ANY age. It took my second husband 12 YEARS to decide I was worth marrying and it was my mistake for pushing the issue. I should have known by then that it was a doomed relationship - he had fought marriage for so long it was really a moot point. Too much had happened and we had hurt each other too much by then for it to ever have any chance to work. And keep in mind - we were in our 30's when we got married.

And just to mention your statement about online relationships - you are correct in using caution. But it can work for some people - the relationship I'm currently in was begun online and it's working out extremely well. I will say though - it's not for everyone so caution is definitely in order for more than just personal safety concerns.

[silentchaos79]

I guess I can somewhat relate to this topic. On the other hand, I am almost 25 and a full time committment type of guy. I had a high school sweetheart who I've known since i was in diapers and we had always been friends. Well the summer of our junior year, she told me her parents were divorcing and she was moving to Florida (I live in Maryland). I was devistated. At this point in time we were involved in a relationship, so as you can imagine, this was devistating.

2-3 years pass, we talk off and on, she came up for visits to see family and of course made time for me, but it was still so hard. Finally one day. I believe the day before Valentines Day in 2000 or 2001, I just couldnt take it anymore. I packed up my car with everything that would fit (mainly clothes and my computer), and i headed down 95 south.

I wanted to be with her so bad. So I arrived at her dorm a good 15 hours later, much to her surprise, it was a huge Oprah/Jenny Jones crying session for hours.

After all was said and done, explaining to my parents why I left, etc... We began living together, months started passing, we started growing apart, and ultimately lost interest. So I decided it was time for me to leave, and I came back to Maryland, and believe me, that was hard enough to do...crawling back if you will.

To this day, since I've been back, she has cut me off from any communication with her. I dont know if it was of how hard things are or what, but it just didnt/doesnt seem right after so long to just drop things.

Anywho, thats my biggest love story in a nutshell. But as Tak said, you cant see men/women as a whole when it comes to anything...especially relationships. Its different strokes for different folks. Im a committed guy, whereas my best friend just wants to be a gigalo (and I hate him for it).

But as for now, I'm currently in an almost 2 year relationship with someone who found me in some online personals, and with the exception of the normal ups and down, I've never been more happy. So I dont really think its every guy who has a problem, it really just depends.

In my experience, most of the people in general who are scared of committment, are those who have been burned themselves, or have childhood or even present memories of their parents splitting up, and that would cause anyone to have a fear like that.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Hope I was of some help

[Xojid]

I know that this probably won't help anyone much, but I figure it's good for a laugh.

[TakMusashi]

lol, thanks for the joke heheh =)~

[1ne]

there are those guys in the world that wonder if there is ever going to be some one out there for them. i myself fall into this category. Men who want to commit do exist, it's just that a lot of great girls out there who are waiting to be found along with the men, think that all men are the same. I went out with a girl for a very long time and she inturn became my dream girl because she is still everything i want in a girl. My guy friends couldn't understand me because, i was so commited to this special girl. Now ihave lost her and I don't know what is next. Me writing this is kinda ironic for the fact that i used to write for my high school new paper, in dealing with boyfriend girlfriend issues. (GIRLS) IF you find one of those guy out there, don't let them go. I been called a rare breed for the fact that i was ready to commit at the age of 15 and love her to this day.[/b]

[HamDemon]

im nowhere near ready to get married, ive still got stuff to do, and id like to be able to support a family financially before i got married

that, and ive met a grand total of 3 people in my 19 years of existence ( not counting my immediate family, kind of hard not to be around them and live in the same house ) that i can stand to be around for more than a few days

[Draemus]

Well, being a young'n it's not a big issue with me, but I'd say I'm the opposite. I wouldn't mind a commitment, albeit not at this point in time.

However, I would have no problem getting a girlfriend and staying together for like 5 or 6 years before making it official... Because really, after that long chances are things will work out.

[HamDemon]

now that i think about it, theres another thing in addition to rushing to get married right after high school that i really dont get, but its more difficult to word properly, the whole boyfriend / girlfriend thing

i'm not talking about dating someone, or birds, or even bees, but spending every waking moment talking to someone for months or even years, labeling them a boyfriend or girlfriend, and buying them things ( which seems to happen more on the boyfriend side of the deal )

which is something else i'm going to whine about, why buy gifts? the best present ive ever received from a friend was the mutual agreement to not exchange gifts

[TakMusashi]

From what I can think of off hand there are a couple reasons people buy gifts.

First, in society it is just "what people do" to show they care. It brings smiles on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. so why not just because?

Second, you spend your time at a job to get money, and spend money to get a gift, so indirectly you're spending time and effort on someone you care about. I didn't initially think of it this way, but someone I knew brought it to my attention that this was a possible interpretation.

My personal thoughts on the whole issue is that gifts shouldn't be necessary at all. Ideally spending time together, taking care if her, looking after her, making her smile, sharing thoughts with her and listening to what she has to say, etc. should be more than enough. Its the intangible things that are what, ideally, should make up a relationship. (And these things really do in a solid relationship). Unfortunately we don't live in an idealistic world...but I think Ham does have a point. Its definately worth bringing up and maybe talking it over so that both people realize that physical gifts aren't important and shouldn't be a focus. ^_^ good idea ham!