I just thought I would post a funny short story that I conjured up a while back... it's a parody of computer games. Enjoy... Interesting to see if you can pick up all the references. Kudos to who can!
The Lan Party
This thing was like a battlefield… 19 to 42 y/olds. It was one unreal tournament going on. Originally, Judy was going to call it off, until I said “Don’t call off Judy, far crying out loud, I mean there are so many people here the counter struck 500! Sam said Max was coming, so I asked “Is Max payin’?” He Replied… “yeah, but he can only afford half, life for him is a bit heretic these days, but hey, no one lives forever”.
Things were getting out of hand at the sign-up desk, I said to Sam “This whole thing is making my head quake, 3 arenas, 500 computers and nobody was taking the signup serious Sam! The instructions clearly said ‘sign up though phone, but you can do it by Postal 2’. But people are not only just showing up, they were coming in tribes 2!” Someone just then asked me if Pandora was in the directive, so I said “No, we’re playing Pandora tomorrow Dude”. I really needed some painkillers right now. But hey, lo-and-behold, some good news, Wolf and Stein showed up, along with Max… just when I though we were doomed, 3 anticipated pro gamers had finally showed up. “So how did you end up getting here” I asked. “Oh, we got a ride in Abe’s Odyssey… Sweet Car!” they replied. But, they brought Simon along or ‘Sim’ as we called him. He was a pain, and a thief 2. “What the hell is he doing here?” I asked Wolf. “Oh it’s okay, Sim’s Livin’ Large nowadays, it’s all good.” I thought to keep an eye on him though.
I decided to leave the desk and take a walk. Dia was playing to the max on the latest video card, so we had a gaze… “Man, you’ve got to envy Dia, that’s some amazing 3d” Mark said. “Look at all those Shaders, the reds, blues”.. I stepped in… “Yeah but they still have not mastered the prefect dark look of the aqua, Mark”. “Yeah but that will come in the future” Mark replied.
Then, this hot chick walked by, so I said, “who’s that hot thing, she’s a real hit man!” Mark said “Oh that’s just Due’s ex, but she’s going out with Simon Now. “What, THAT’s Sim’s hot date!?” I Exclaimed…. “Yeah” Mark Replied, “They met at Sim’s vacation, He went to Syberia 2.” Now I’ve seen it all, well it’s good for Simon at least… Finally all his fantasies were coming true. “Have you ever questioned how a dude like that can score with a chick that hot?”… “Bah, I would not worry about it” Mark said, “She’s just his medal of honour. It won’t last, he ain’t got the nightfire, I mean, you know how it is with these chicks; they want everything or nothing for you in the end.”
Just then Larry came over, he was a RealPlayer but he wasn’t gaming. He said he was here for leisure, but leisure didn’t suit Larry. He was more of a Duke in the gaming world. He said “I’ve retired, this old duke can’t nuke em’ like he used to”… but hey, we all have to blowout some day. Better to die hard than die small. He brought his rig though… “The Splinter” he called it. Tons of metal gear, solid cooling, and he has sprayed the case rainbow, six colours in all. He was going to auction it off, so I asked, “How much will Splinter sell for you reckon?” He replied… “Well, it’s worth about $2000 on contract Jack, so hopefully for no less than that”.
Suddenly, a cold chill entered the room. So I decided to Close up windows before we all turn blue screen, but there were so many to windows to close, my memory was having trouble keeping track of all of them, so I asked Mark to help out. “Why did we not do this in summer, when it’s actually warm… that’s it, never winter nights again. Now let’s get a joint operation going on these windows before this typhoon rises.”
After all that, I passed by an argument. Tom was saying how Tony’s mobo could not win the performance comp because it was a bit lite on performance, which was causing him to loose his lead technically. I decided to nForce my concern upon them; “If you want to get that ting running prime, you should see Moss about it. He should be arriving by bus round the front side soon”.
Mark came back with the windows update… “Everything’s closed, but I had a bit of trouble with one, it just would not shut, so I had to get Norton to secure it for me.”
After I returned to the sign on, I realised it was almost time for things to kick off. So I sat down, got my rig up and running… but then… my power point failed! For a minute I though that it was just me, until the whole complex powered down!
I was so glad that Microsoft gave us access to their warehouse to hold the LAN, but I guess they completely forgot about our power requirements… That’s the last time I trust Microsoft’s word…. We were all alone in the dark.
Thank god for the GeForce 6800 someone suggested. According to NVIDIA, we should be able to (in theory) power up the whole complex using the power of the 6800 GPU, play the games the way they are meant to be played, and have enough power left over to watch porn, have a 3some with Dawn and Dusk, launch ballistic missies towards the ATI headquarters and even Google up a pollen spore. Naturally, everyone did not want to try this until they could see if ATI was able to do it better… How Typical!
"I've never believed in insticnt... call it a hunch"
- Tex Murphy, The Pandora Directive.